lores blogg

IT'S OVER!

.. now i just have to take the wine back to the store. it's fucked up. tastes bad.. not supposed to. usually is ok..

ITS LIKE 30 DEGREES though.. shit.. .. . . . . . .. .

need a belt because my shorts keep fucking up .. don't want to walk anywhere.. maybe just forget about the wine?


..

this place has turned into a deathtrap

....so.. just had lunch. it was terrible. the pizza did not taste like it did yesterday. it was like eating cardboard.
can't help feeling terrible. waited for the bus with my friend.. waited for a while.. missed the first one waiting for the ipod to charge. slave to the ipod. can't do anything without stupid music blasting in your ear.

so they posted this photo on dv saying ''girl i never talk to, why you so hot'' .. and i could not figure out who that was supposed to refer to. and no, i don't think its me. apart from the fact that im not ''hot'' (don't want to be) .. it's gotta be someone else because he never liked me.
deleted him off chat.
.. so stupid. just have to let that flame on and.. forget about it. makes me feel bad checking blogs and stuff. people modelling and taking photos of themselves.. so tired of it.
i sat in the kitchen before eating pasta and just .. my heart was beating crazy.. i'm so worried i'm not going to start this thing tonight. but i have to.. otherwise i will be disappointed. no doubt about it ..
so i just have to..
i don't know. i think it's going to start raining soon.. and i'll have to take the laundry in.. then i have to somehow.. not worry about my stupid hair and clothing. it's so warm.. you can't hide that you haven't showered when all you're wearing is a fucking tshirt. it's really too warm .. for anyone.

really wanted to write last night. about how things were. how i felt, how the pink covers were silly and the pearl bracelets and the skirts, the wealth, the stupidity of it.. how none of it means anything .. not really so worried about the meaning part.. more about .. the attempt to find some other childhood.. just doesn't feel right..
have an email back from this woman about this room.. have to call tomorrow and ask about it.. maybe see it tomorrow afternoon even though i don't have the time. shouldn't take more than 45 minutes anyway. it's in the same neighbourhood. don't be nervous.

why am i so nervous about it all.. it's so stupid. i sit here worrying about things i don't even have to do.. no one has to worry about moving.. you can just stay if you want. you can say no to that place if you want. it's really up to you .. no one can force you to make a decision. just calm down and focus. focus. have to open the box and sort out the readings. going to make notes on two, and type out the notes for it. it WILL be ok but you have to try, try to make it ok. you can't sit and worry. that won't do anything.

if worrying actually helped.. then we'd have nothing to be concerned about .. it just feeds into more and more anxiety. .

ok so i think the plan is. take in the dry washing, the other, put on the rack inside. take brush, and foundation and shit into bathroom, fix all of that.
put on weekday shirt. leave jeans on. put on vans. pack computer up. take two of the things.. and go. bring headphones for computer.

i'll start doing that now. ill be back when i finish.

..
the fucking neighbours started to talk shit about me after they yelled out WHATF U LOOKN AT..
FUCK OFF YOU FUCKING THUGS

wrote the worst worst worst assignment ..

i can't believe i just handed that thing in ..

fuck.

i can't feel relieved.. going to the botanical gardens, i think..

sitting here at school. major headache. took some medication for it. i can feel it working but.. sometimes numbness isn't enough. i don't want to numb it, i want it to go away!

shit. i can't stare at this screen anymore. my eyes can't take the brightness behind the computer screen.. sun is setting though.. soon.
worst headache.. people are making noise but that doesn't even bother me right now. it's cold.. they have the airconditioning on extremely high.
this ipod is only half a blessing. i should stop listening to music but.. then i have to hear other people's loud typing and talking and..
my back hurts so much. my matress is terrible. then start the thoughts about how expensive a mattress is.. i have the worst back pain. worst back problems but i can't afford to get them fixed. my neck is terrible too.

i can't get over how terrible the fake chicken tasted..

and i can't stop frowning! seriously why don't they have blinds around here..

have the worst fucking amount of work to do on this thing. its too hard. i don't want to sit and read 20 pages .. i'll only want to paraphrase it anyway. then i'll have to paraphrase too much and..
it's hard to know what you've left out when you have no idea what you're supposed to be doing. and don't know anything about the subject matter.
fuck. my friend is supposed to be here in about.. an hour or so. i don't know how i have gotten by .. i think ill just copy the documents onto my laptop and.. try to.. i don't know. that's probably another way of planning to give up.
i need a break but i don't want to fucking buy junk shit from the little tent they have out there. it just makes me feel like i have to eat junk food just to get some fucking energy .. it's all they sell!!!!! either have no energy .. or eat the crap.

.. i'm tired of vegetables and everything. and of bread. especially bread. might just make tacos for dinner.. though they can make me sick too. just have pasta i guess. fuck. i need someone to walk on my back. haha
it hurts so much! i'll already have terrible back pains when i grow older.. WHY SHOULD I HAVE THEM NOW!!!!! .. i feel like an old idiot. huge ass idiot in a stupid kids body.
like before, i walked into the bathroom, noticed i had crap all over my face. not going to say where. but i have no idea how it happened. people must have walked by wondering what was wrong with me.. crouching over hunched over a computer, glaring because of the brightness, frowning because of stress.. with shit all over my face. fucking ..

.. and i deleted that stupid status off fb. not that it mattered either way.

MY BACK

.. seriously.. a massage or a wii. A MASSAGE PLEASE.

.. ok so. if i start.. i could.. ok all i can see myself doing is going home. but what the fuck would that do.
i wouldn't do any work there. i have to at least try to... do something.

ok. when A comes back, we can eat the stuff outside, and then walk home. so ill just prepare to leave and wait for him to arrive.

ok. deal. no idea why things have been so weird. just have to get through this i guess. can't really stop to think about it all. just have to keep going ..

i might write later if i can't .. concentrate.

im at home alone today. woke up after only 3 hours sleep so my friend could go to his job training. then i couldn't fall back to sleep.
went on ''chat'' of course, said hi to a certain person i really shouldn't have.. who then took a while to reply, sent me a link.. and so then i watched it.. the most offensive thing i have seen this year, i think. making light of abuse against women.
but that's what that show is about. making light of pedophiles and rape and other things that happen to people. a complete anti-joke.. and yet it's one of the most popular shows out at the moment. you can probably guess what show this is.
i ended up saying.. "if you think beaten women are funny then i don't want to talk to you anymore" .. then after 20 minutes of no reply i just said ''why don't you reply?" .. then i logged off.
they're clearly a disturbed person. they don't think anyone else's opinion matters. just living in their own world, talking about themselves, nothing else. takes photos just so they can get attention. so they don't disappear into their own background of madness. or not. maybe that's just a perfect de&s;cription of someone else. who am i to say anything, anyway?
all i can say is this person is not a nice person. i don't know why i found it so hard to accept who they really were. i guess my previous idea of them was nicer.. a lie seemed better than a truth about how utterly ugly they were on the inside.

im at home alone today. woke up after only 3 hours sleep so my friend could go to his job training. then i couldn't fall back to sleep.
went on ''chat'' of course, said hi to a certain person i really shouldn't have.. who then took a while to reply, sent me a link.. and so then i watched it.. the most offensive thing i have seen this year, i think. making light of abuse against women.
but that's what that show is about. making light of pedophiles and rape and other things that happen to people. a complete anti-joke.. and yet it's one of the most popular shows out at the moment. you can probably guess what show this is.
i ended up saying.. "if you think beaten women are funny then i don't want to talk to you anymore" .. then after 20 minutes of no reply i just said ''why don't you reply?" .. then i logged off.
they're clearly a disturbed person. they don't think anyone else's opinion matters. just living in their own world, talking about themselves, nothing else. takes photos just so they can get attention. so they don't disappear into their own background of madness. or not. maybe that's just a perfect de&s;cription of someone else. who am i to say anything, anyway?
all i can say is this person is not a nice person. i don't know why i found it so hard to accept who they really were. i guess my previous idea of them was nicer.. a lie seemed better than a truth about how utterly ugly they were on the inside.

hey. so things are kind of looking up.
i'm being ignored on chat. but. i just think he walked off and forgot about our conversation. even though i said something extremely important. he'll never tell me what he really thinks.
i think that.. it doesn't really matter anymore. he's just really weird. not exactly all right in the head, maybe. confused. doesn't know what to do, no interests. nothing to say.

so. it's only when im really tired and shit that i actually feel bad about these things. that i actually care whether he replies or whatever. i just think its so fucking terrible to leave your computer like that. when we're talking and shit. maybe fb chat is just fucked. maybe he never saw me reply.
i can't ever know!

so stupid.

im calling steph.

feel kind of sick from dinner. felt sick before that. should have just gone to bed. but i can't ever get away from the internet :(
damn. im trying really hard to resist posting on DV. not going to post for a while.
see how that goes.

friend has a big exam tomorrow but i need to sleep soon. theyll have to study in the kitchen. im worried though because they haven't studied much and they need to pass. fuck. i hope everything went ok with CSN.
i have to wake up at 9 tomorrow. have to have to have to be on time tomorrow and really listen and concentrate. might wake up at 830 instead.
one hour to get to bed then. that should be ok.

don't know what else to say really. feel better now that i'm writing on here. better than writing ''are you there?'' over and over again. not that i would make that same mistake again.

it's so stupid the way you can value someone so so so so much when really.. they're not that special. not that nice. not that friendly. not anything, really.

scariest noise outside just pushed me out of my seat. i think it was a possum or something..

ok so he's starting to practice for the exam..

and i can't talk to him for an hour. ok. neighbours making noise.

lets see lets see what to say. well i finally decided how i felt about my teacher. so stupid and so silly of me. but i knew i'd eventually come back down to reality, im happy that i trusted myself .. knew not to panic too much. i did, for a while there. with entries on the other blog declaring that i couldn't help but hope he'd notice and everything.. declaring that for that moment in time he was all i could imagine. thinking about what a life would be like with him, what he knows, what he's seen, how he thinks about life and what is good and what isn't. sounds so pathetic. but that's what it was, really. that's what it was.
it can be easy to fall into traps like this. i think this was worse than any of the other traps though. i actually told my friend that i liked this teacher. actually talked about it, cried about it .. so much effort. but i think in the end i got to reveal why it was that i felt this way. what was making me do this, what the thoughts in my head were about.. or at least.. try to see where the thoughts came from to begin with.
kind of a lack of motivation happening with the teachers. their outlook isn't exactly what one might call bright. but that's just a space left open for someone else. or a space filled by others we don't know about yet.

i feel silly about some of the things i sent to certain individuals, swearing and so on. they didn't deserve it but the way that things happened .. it seemed to be the thing to do at the time. even though i know it was wrong. i felt this need for it to be right though. to do something. to have to do something about it and it felt like that was all i could do at this distance, at this time, in this position. and even though they can't understand that (i can't either) i think that it's just one of those things that .. just show our bad sides. and its no good, its really no good but so many things have been made bad because of this individual and it feels like you have to fight badness with direct badness ..
so so so so so not even right and you get to the point where you realise you were even worse than they were. sending things before you actually knew the full story.. not the smartest idea.
i sent the original email earlier though. and that was a reply to.. can't you just ignore her.
i felt like none of my feelings mattered, none of my thoughts, all just put aside for some thing happening behind my back.
it was pretty weak but i know that dwelling on it is just going to bring more weakness. and we can't do this! we can't do this. i feel bad now, that i think about it. that i really think about it but what else can i do. apologise? i knew what i was doing was wrong at the time.
so why did i do it.
its so hard to apologise for things like that. especially to people that don't want to hear it.
maybe i'd send it anyway.
maybe i won't.
i don't know, i don't know but i cant ask anyone and


fuck ok she was horrible to me first. she was. and horrible in ignoring me and .. oh fuck now i'm blaming myself and this is only going to end badly.

fuck it all. what's done is done. just have to not do it fucking again.

im getting off this. this was ok at first but now im going into hell just trying to explain why it is i've done what i've done the past few days.

absolutely obsessed.

had a bigger problem last night but i've diverted my attention to the feelings of anxiety.
how can you talk for hours but not say anything. they don't want anything to mean or to matter or to tell me real feelings.

it's too hard to talk to someone you like when they're absolutely oblivious.

and how to go about hinting? do i have to resort to yahoo answers?

ok. now they're fucking ignoring me. when will this end. it's been about.. i guess it's only been 18 minutes. people leave their computers for that long, right?
especially when they have guests expected.. right?
what the hell have i done.
never abuse anyone over the internet. at least, don't say anything fucked up. because when they don't reply.. you can't fix it.

it's absolutely fucked now. what do i have to do to get this person to REPLY?!!!!!!!!!!!!
i'm drinking. im sitting here staring at the conversation.

she won't reply. fuck fuck fuck fuck please reply. PLEASE anything. anything. i'd take a full stop atm ..

if i keep drinking.. you better believe that i'm going to say something. then they might get back and say ''oh but i was busy, i wasn't even here'' ..

and that'd be even worse.

need a release for this anger.

so. back again.
tired. supposed to have wine. haven't had any yet.
work in less than nine hours. friend decides to make dinner right now.
have to shower.
i happen to have .. made a bit of a mistake. judgment. but you know what. we have to start accepting people. stop stigmatising people with disorders. care for others. have to share a little love around the place. not be so selfish.
i think i'm starting to 'dislike' my roommate more and more now. it's getting kind of bad. to the level when i can just say something mean. and take it back . a few minutes later. no problem.
we know the tension is there.

talked to little sis. not for long. tried to talk on msn at the same time but i couldn't do both very well.

all i know is.. i have no idea what's happening right now. looking forward to weekend blogs and notes. have to .. do a bunch of stuff.
just. want. people to be normal. but not everyone is normal. not everyone functions. the same way. how can we just. ignore those who .. aren't exactly like us.
fuck. this is too hard.

and no one really understands. no one would.

fuck. can't wait to get my green jacket on and continue the dreams.
sew on my patch.

take a walk.

i hate living in delusion. i hate having these wafty feelings. these romantic affections. they go away after a while. just have to wait for that to happen. usually reality sets in. it's like landing. you manage to get out of there and you're thankful you didn't stay up there.

fuck it. have to shower. have to. . sing. dance. exist.
sleep tight.