bang the doldrums

hey. so things are kind of looking up.
i'm being ignored on chat. but. i just think he walked off and forgot about our conversation. even though i said something extremely important. he'll never tell me what he really thinks.
i think that.. it doesn't really matter anymore. he's just really weird. not exactly all right in the head, maybe. confused. doesn't know what to do, no interests. nothing to say.

so. it's only when im really tired and shit that i actually feel bad about these things. that i actually care whether he replies or whatever. i just think its so fucking terrible to leave your computer like that. when we're talking and shit. maybe fb chat is just fucked. maybe he never saw me reply.
i can't ever know!

so stupid.

im calling steph.

feel kind of sick from dinner. felt sick before that. should have just gone to bed. but i can't ever get away from the internet :(
damn. im trying really hard to resist posting on DV. not going to post for a while.
see how that goes.

friend has a big exam tomorrow but i need to sleep soon. theyll have to study in the kitchen. im worried though because they haven't studied much and they need to pass. fuck. i hope everything went ok with CSN.
i have to wake up at 9 tomorrow. have to have to have to be on time tomorrow and really listen and concentrate. might wake up at 830 instead.
one hour to get to bed then. that should be ok.

don't know what else to say really. feel better now that i'm writing on here. better than writing ''are you there?'' over and over again. not that i would make that same mistake again.

it's so stupid the way you can value someone so so so so much when really.. they're not that special. not that nice. not that friendly. not anything, really.

scariest noise outside just pushed me out of my seat. i think it was a possum or something..

ok so he's starting to practice for the exam..

and i can't talk to him for an hour. ok. neighbours making noise.

lets see lets see what to say. well i finally decided how i felt about my teacher. so stupid and so silly of me. but i knew i'd eventually come back down to reality, im happy that i trusted myself .. knew not to panic too much. i did, for a while there. with entries on the other blog declaring that i couldn't help but hope he'd notice and everything.. declaring that for that moment in time he was all i could imagine. thinking about what a life would be like with him, what he knows, what he's seen, how he thinks about life and what is good and what isn't. sounds so pathetic. but that's what it was, really. that's what it was.
it can be easy to fall into traps like this. i think this was worse than any of the other traps though. i actually told my friend that i liked this teacher. actually talked about it, cried about it .. so much effort. but i think in the end i got to reveal why it was that i felt this way. what was making me do this, what the thoughts in my head were about.. or at least.. try to see where the thoughts came from to begin with.
kind of a lack of motivation happening with the teachers. their outlook isn't exactly what one might call bright. but that's just a space left open for someone else. or a space filled by others we don't know about yet.

i feel silly about some of the things i sent to certain individuals, swearing and so on. they didn't deserve it but the way that things happened .. it seemed to be the thing to do at the time. even though i know it was wrong. i felt this need for it to be right though. to do something. to have to do something about it and it felt like that was all i could do at this distance, at this time, in this position. and even though they can't understand that (i can't either) i think that it's just one of those things that .. just show our bad sides. and its no good, its really no good but so many things have been made bad because of this individual and it feels like you have to fight badness with direct badness ..
so so so so so not even right and you get to the point where you realise you were even worse than they were. sending things before you actually knew the full story.. not the smartest idea.
i sent the original email earlier though. and that was a reply to.. can't you just ignore her.
i felt like none of my feelings mattered, none of my thoughts, all just put aside for some thing happening behind my back.
it was pretty weak but i know that dwelling on it is just going to bring more weakness. and we can't do this! we can't do this. i feel bad now, that i think about it. that i really think about it but what else can i do. apologise? i knew what i was doing was wrong at the time.
so why did i do it.
its so hard to apologise for things like that. especially to people that don't want to hear it.
maybe i'd send it anyway.
maybe i won't.
i don't know, i don't know but i cant ask anyone and


fuck ok she was horrible to me first. she was. and horrible in ignoring me and .. oh fuck now i'm blaming myself and this is only going to end badly.

fuck it all. what's done is done. just have to not do it fucking again.

im getting off this. this was ok at first but now im going into hell just trying to explain why it is i've done what i've done the past few days.