..

this place has turned into a deathtrap

....so.. just had lunch. it was terrible. the pizza did not taste like it did yesterday. it was like eating cardboard.
can't help feeling terrible. waited for the bus with my friend.. waited for a while.. missed the first one waiting for the ipod to charge. slave to the ipod. can't do anything without stupid music blasting in your ear.

so they posted this photo on dv saying ''girl i never talk to, why you so hot'' .. and i could not figure out who that was supposed to refer to. and no, i don't think its me. apart from the fact that im not ''hot'' (don't want to be) .. it's gotta be someone else because he never liked me.
deleted him off chat.
.. so stupid. just have to let that flame on and.. forget about it. makes me feel bad checking blogs and stuff. people modelling and taking photos of themselves.. so tired of it.
i sat in the kitchen before eating pasta and just .. my heart was beating crazy.. i'm so worried i'm not going to start this thing tonight. but i have to.. otherwise i will be disappointed. no doubt about it ..
so i just have to..
i don't know. i think it's going to start raining soon.. and i'll have to take the laundry in.. then i have to somehow.. not worry about my stupid hair and clothing. it's so warm.. you can't hide that you haven't showered when all you're wearing is a fucking tshirt. it's really too warm .. for anyone.

really wanted to write last night. about how things were. how i felt, how the pink covers were silly and the pearl bracelets and the skirts, the wealth, the stupidity of it.. how none of it means anything .. not really so worried about the meaning part.. more about .. the attempt to find some other childhood.. just doesn't feel right..
have an email back from this woman about this room.. have to call tomorrow and ask about it.. maybe see it tomorrow afternoon even though i don't have the time. shouldn't take more than 45 minutes anyway. it's in the same neighbourhood. don't be nervous.

why am i so nervous about it all.. it's so stupid. i sit here worrying about things i don't even have to do.. no one has to worry about moving.. you can just stay if you want. you can say no to that place if you want. it's really up to you .. no one can force you to make a decision. just calm down and focus. focus. have to open the box and sort out the readings. going to make notes on two, and type out the notes for it. it WILL be ok but you have to try, try to make it ok. you can't sit and worry. that won't do anything.

if worrying actually helped.. then we'd have nothing to be concerned about .. it just feeds into more and more anxiety. .

ok so i think the plan is. take in the dry washing, the other, put on the rack inside. take brush, and foundation and shit into bathroom, fix all of that.
put on weekday shirt. leave jeans on. put on vans. pack computer up. take two of the things.. and go. bring headphones for computer.

i'll start doing that now. ill be back when i finish.

..
the fucking neighbours started to talk shit about me after they yelled out WHATF U LOOKN AT..
FUCK OFF YOU FUCKING THUGS