lores blogg

how can you say your life .. is..

copied this on the 3rd of July. 2009. so distant, but still present, somehow.

and now, i'm preparing to re-read what I wrote yesterday, and to comment. I needed to feel a little more calm, I scared myself into checking the email. I haven't received anything yet though, and I think I'll wait until Sunday morning to check. I don't really know how I'd reply if I was asked again, ''what happens now?". a part of me dwells on the idea that I could make things right and try to make things go back (albeit slowly) to the way they were once.
I am happy though, that I know this isn't true and not possible. There are many reasons why it's not possible, but I don't think those are as important as the reasons why it is wrong to think about it. It is in the acknowledgement of these reasons that I feel safe, because they musn't be ignored.
It just needs to be finalised, really.

Here I am thinking I have it all figured out, but it's true, I sit shocked in front of every new email and am surprised by each and every one. In saying this, I must share that I am anxious about whether I'll receive another reply at all. Though it has only been four days, and today is probably the day she'll write something. And if it isn't?
Then I know that things were sorted out even better than I could have imagined, even nicer than I deserved. I don't think I even deserved a response, so I'm happy that I even heard anything back.

What now? As I see it, there'll be a few emails, at best, and I'll be able to say things, and it will be an exchange where I can really share how sorry I was, and this can help both of us.

This might be very silly but I do have hope in the ability of this thing to sort out somehow.

I never like to admit hopes like that. It is ever so sad when they are crushed into the pavement.

No hope of going to way out west now. that's ok somehow. can only do what one can do, i guess.

smiling isn't so bad.

..

it's raining like nothing else.

sitting here in the dark.

just talked for a while and it .. was upsetting. no solution. but. it's out there.
we already knew all of the things we said though.

.. fuck. it's all fucked.
just leave it at that.

sitting here.
its fucking warm. i don't want to go outside, but it's probably warmer in here.
read a little about hitlers supposed son. that was a little interesting but lead no where.

still don't really know how i feel about what happened last week.
it just happened i guess. don't even know if it was last week or the week before.
not too worried though. it's done.

i wish i could wear my hat. but it's too fucking small. can't even pull it down properly. that's what happens when you order off the net i guess.

fuck it. tired of looking at clothes and other bullshit.
so, so boring. just waiting for real life to start.

should try to get dressed. cook pasta.

haven't done any of those recordings i needed to do this week.
how has it just been a week. it flew by pretty fast.
i wanted it to fly by though. as sad as it sounds.

i need to get a move on but .. i might write later.

we're thinking of going to lane cove. thinking it's not really going to work out though. haven't been on dv in a while, don't really feel like it anymore.
too bad i bought that stupid camera hey.

.. fuck this. fuck stupid highshool memories.

just .. leave!

i gave in and made a video.
it felt right though.
until i fucked it up telling the truth in the wrong way.

well, the important thing is that i apologised and that i meant it. and that even if she wanted to be rude about it, it still meant something.
at worst, it was viewed.
acceptance of an apology isn't as important as the apology itself.

that part is out of my control.

right now i'm in a little argument with my friend but i'm hoping it will sort out soon. i'm not in the mood for more fights :(
i just hope the days aren't too painful!

something about living in this place seems a little upsetting. i don't know what. maybe the views from the balcony.

hope this works out.

lore

still haven't heard anything.

starting to feel nervous.

liking that it's still daylight at 6:22pm.

watching sherlock.

have energy that i'm too afraid to use.

hej.

i don't understand why they haven't contacted me.
why.
what is so fucking important?
sports? no
tv? no

.. i can't think of any reason why i haven't been contacted yet.

i just sit here with despair running in and out of my thoughts. there is nothing to do on the internet. and believe me, i'm almost happy about that.
i can't find solace anywhere on the internet and that's probably for the best. it went on for long enough, i guess.
and i don't even want to comment on that anymore.

i just think it's better to deal with reality, for whatever it is. of course, i'm not prepared to accept reality and i don't think a computer can help you do that.. not completely, at least.

if you can hear me. SEND ME A MESSAGE and stop this. i guess sisters .. are.. sisters.

i do not understand how families are supposed to work. no way.

so now it's 25.2 degrees and i really don't want to go outside. despite the fact that there's not one cloud out there.. and its sunny..
i hate the mazes of tall ugly buildings, smothered in ads and ugly pictures. my chest feels heavy when i think about how i'll even walk down the street.
such a task, just to go to the supermarket.

i really hope we can come back to sweden this august. i really, really hope we can.

i really hate my job.

i really hate a lot of things.

fuck.

jag vet inte.

i am in the library. have a fever.
read about racism.

feverishly desperate to escape my surroundings, but go to where? not sure exactly. nature. forest. anywhere. change my name, change my face, change my mood.
change the dimensions. change up the sounds.
dry the tears of sweat being squeezed out from under my skin.
tear the skin. push yourself up by pushing the terrible down. drag your body up for air and run on water until you reach the shore.
silence the loud and the boastful. silence those who wish not to learn. silence the condescending. those that steal the smile from the youth's lips.
take the blades from their hands, and push. push them off the edge. cast them off like a cloak, let their words and letters disappear in the night sky. they begin by floating upwards, but end by dissolving into themselves.

take the handle and push. kick until there's a clear path on which to walk.

claim what can be claimed. hold on to their idea of impossible and run with it.

if only the words weren't just words, the songs just songs. the park just a park.

endless. we want the endless

i feel like i have no friends.
not one.
not even my sisters will answer me.. they're not ignoring me, they're just too busy to check their chat window, reply to wall comments and just be, i don't know, decent people?

but then it's my fault. i didn't sms them. even though I had no money to message them with.

it's always up to me to make the effort, up to me to message people. pretty much. at least with my sisters.
everyone else.. i don't really like that much. that, or I can't relate to them anymore. two of my friends are overseas. one of them arrived just under a week ago, and the other has been there for almost 3 months and barely writes to me at all.

it doesn't upset me, really. it just reminds me that I don't even like these people that much.. but i'm waiting for them to reply.
check my inbox, no reply. not really bothered. but .. i just don't get how hard it is to send back one tiny thing.
they're on facebook all the time. why can't they check their email?

i refuse to add them to facebook. i don't want facebook taking my information and my photos and shit, and putting ads all up in my fucking face. i want real life.
but everyone else is obsessed with facebook. its a fucking plague. and if i don't go along with it, then i get what i deserve right? silence.

fuck this. i wish i could just stop checking my email, but i've got fucking shit on ebay.
and i'm such a fool. to think that someone might need me and email me. and somehow if i don't check my email .. i'll miss it.

i just feel lonely. friends that aren't really my close friends.. when they treat me like shit.. i start to remember that they're not really my friends.
and that sucks.

everything feels dull and boring and i feel like i have a long time to spend doing useless things.

i don't want to end up being one of those psycho people that spend so much time without a group of friends that they .. end up going nuts on everyone.

maybe i'll .. try to find something to eat.

i feel like shit. i wish i could go to bed at a normal hour. instead of .. i don't know, 4am?

i might write later. for now i need to figure out a distraction.

accepting others is really hard.

saw that you logged in about a month ago.
hoped for a second that it upset you.

no idea what to say.
it just got fucked up heaps.

holidays here.. are going ok. haven't done anything too bad yet. though as i write this i'm quite worried about starting another fight.
have been really difficult to get along with though. really difficult.

it's too warm to wear tights. why did i think i could.

i hate living here. i really do.

anyway.. time to watch seinfeld.

.. i wanted to write something but i can't remember it now..
apart from sisters bailing on me and .. everything. my head really hurts. really really hurts. i don't really want to finish watching downton abbey.. i have about 20 minutes left.

.. my neck hurts and .. everything is weird right now. everything. want to go somewhere tomorrow.
no idea where. check the transport website.
there's no where to go.

what's the point, what's the strength tomorrow? where will it come from? when you're thinking about what tomorrow will be..
what will it be.

it's a sad moment. i could read. i guess. that's a sad day. maybe i'll sit by the harbour in the afternoon. maybe i'll go to the park.
maybe it won't be painful. i don't understand why.. daily life feels so dull and pointless. i don't want it to stop though. because i have hope for something else.
but now i'm thinking about that hope. what is that hope? do i have reason for having it? didn't i hope things would be better a little while ago? and now they're not?
what is this process of things being better?

i don't know. but i feel such pain in my head..

i don't know how to move or how to.. do anything in an interesting way, in a different way, in an active way.

pray to someone to give you that push, .. depression takes it hold right after 22.
that's when it gets you.

so you've got to wake up at 8am, and go to bed before 22.
got to tire yourself out. you've got to run. you've got to do. try to do things. otherwise i don't know what will be left for us.
it's frightening.

i'll turn off this song.

.. nothing is cheap enough. nothing is nice enough.
nothing is going to make the pain in my head go away.