paintings and princely courts

how can you say your life .. is..

copied this on the 3rd of July. 2009. so distant, but still present, somehow.

and now, i'm preparing to re-read what I wrote yesterday, and to comment. I needed to feel a little more calm, I scared myself into checking the email. I haven't received anything yet though, and I think I'll wait until Sunday morning to check. I don't really know how I'd reply if I was asked again, ''what happens now?". a part of me dwells on the idea that I could make things right and try to make things go back (albeit slowly) to the way they were once.
I am happy though, that I know this isn't true and not possible. There are many reasons why it's not possible, but I don't think those are as important as the reasons why it is wrong to think about it. It is in the acknowledgement of these reasons that I feel safe, because they musn't be ignored.
It just needs to be finalised, really.

Here I am thinking I have it all figured out, but it's true, I sit shocked in front of every new email and am surprised by each and every one. In saying this, I must share that I am anxious about whether I'll receive another reply at all. Though it has only been four days, and today is probably the day she'll write something. And if it isn't?
Then I know that things were sorted out even better than I could have imagined, even nicer than I deserved. I don't think I even deserved a response, so I'm happy that I even heard anything back.

What now? As I see it, there'll be a few emails, at best, and I'll be able to say things, and it will be an exchange where I can really share how sorry I was, and this can help both of us.

This might be very silly but I do have hope in the ability of this thing to sort out somehow.

I never like to admit hopes like that. It is ever so sad when they are crushed into the pavement.

No hope of going to way out west now. that's ok somehow. can only do what one can do, i guess.

smiling isn't so bad.