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shit.

so. so so so so i hate writing. i hate it. dammit. but if i dont start writing. .. somewhere, anywhere. then i might very well explode. brains everywhere.

.. what the hell. i am scared of the thought that i'd actually go to the psychologist. but i'm equally scared to not go.
..like. sometimes you just know you've made the right decision.
but maybe seeing a psychologist is something i need to try. just to be able to tell myself that i tried it.
.. i don't trust people.
i saw a counsellor and he was.. okay. i trusted him. told him what i had to.
but now i can't see him anymore.. he's not a real psychologist yet.

.. so now i'm just. fuck. seeing another woman? i feel like some women hate me. not my own sisters of course. maybe they 'hate' me because women don't like women.
they're taught to feel antagonistic towards each other. that's what my mum has always said. and my mother is.. not a very kind person.

in any case. i have stayed inside for the past 2 days. agoraphobia anyone?

.. i'm not scared to go outside. i just live in a really shit place.
my room is tiny. i share it with one other person. in fact. it's about the size of a jail cell. it's not a room at all.

.. my holidays weren't too bad. i saw the hives and my sisters a few times. i'm always miserable after seeing my sisters, i never want them to leave.

i'm constantly on my computer these days, even though i'm supposed to be studying for school.
i have so much to read for tomorrow but there's no chance i'm even going to touch it.

.. i slept most of today. sometimes i just don't see the point in doing anything, or getting the hell up.

.. i can't decide whether to go to this "friend" of mine's party on friday. 21 is a big deal here. it's like turning 20 in sweden.
.. but i don't know if i can be fake and.. deal with the strange feelings between me and the rest of the world.

.. i seriously have to clean this room. it is just.. plates of food everywhere, scarfs on the floor, colanders, books, receipts, filthy clothes. trash.
it's all rubbish.

every now and then i think of her. my ex best friend. fuck. friendship is .. i don't think i could ever end that sentence.

.. what can anyone expect.. friends from highschool can turn into superficial tv obsessed fashion freaks, right? who am i to complain?
..

i guess things will get better when we get paid. then i can have some protein. vegetarianism is hard on my energy levels.

.. friend of mine. i think she's tired of the texts. even though i barely ever text her. she probably thinks i'm just talking about myself.
.. fuck it. not having much money, not having much friends, not having much energy.
not having anything really reaaaally sucks.

.. if you've got something, then there's not that much to complain about.
but when you're living like this. everything can be complained about. almost everything, at least.

in any case. .. maybe i can find some decent music. start cleaning shit up. maybe that will make me feel better.
in what universe would cleaning make one feel better.

none?

.. i think i'll keep writing on this thing. hopefully no one will read this. and i can just stay anonymous. who am i kidding, no one cares!

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WAAAH making popcorn. HAVE NO MONEY!!
dinner is going to be euro shopper pasta. OH DEAR CRAP

OH an advertisement just reminded me. hey.. there is always the cinema.

*cough* .. i guess harry potter is coming out.

what films are you looking forward to seeing?

so .. no email. from my sisters. no email, from anyone in fact. i just kind of check a few things. auction, my 3 emails, bank, 2 bloggs, dayviews and after ten or so minutes realise that i'm pretty much done with the internet.
i used to have tumblr, facebook, a blog and a twitter, even a youtube for a short time. but now i have none of them. and yeah im happy i don't. because i don't start feeling like shit every time i go on the internet.
but i can still feel bad .. i can look at blogs and other shit i could buy.. and i do that instead of going on facebook now.
except.. i don't really have any money to spend on clothes and shit. and to be honest i don't even really care that much about fashion or clothes or whatever.
so these holidays i just don't know what the fuck ill do, seeing as i'm in cold sydney instead of being in summery sweden.
there's no nice places to go. except maybe an overcrowded beach with abnoxious chavs and tourists. and there i just get sunburnt as shit - seeing as the hole in the ozone layer is right above australia.

i'm pretty much accepting that i've gotta stay in this hell hole (you may have been here and liked it, or think it's okay, but trust me, it's hell). but when i have 3 weeks vacation i have trouble finding things to do that don't involve sitting around on the internet.

wah i just feel so so soooo sad.

damn.

but also.. shit what kind of a life is it .. just sitting on your computer all day like this ..
how many there are of us sitting and staring blankly at our screens, hoping that this counts as something.
and yet it counts as nothing. and i just hope i dont think back to these times and think they were a waste.

i felt loved by someone a while ago. sometimes i think that all the time spent meant something.. but now all i can think is that my youth was wasted. i guess it had to be wasted on her.
better her than someone else i guess?

so today was a pretty damn day. i kind of wish i had another blog. no one really knows this one exists. but maybe that's just how it has to be. today was just tears and soup and anger. i actually thought i had just gone out of my mind. but .. shit the band im listening to are just. wow. no good.
it scares me how similar so many 14 year olds are. shit. i cant write here.

you never take photos with your friends, you just take them of yourself. you stay hooked on the same guy for over a year, and drag everyone around you down all because you cant take care of your own problems and just get over it.
just because you feel like this guy is your whole world, doesnt mean we all feel the same. we support you like hell but if youre gonna act like this its gonna get harder and harder to hear the same shit every day.
hearing it for the past year has been hard enough.
give us a break. you used to be fun, you used to have a life outside this idiot guy, but now you think you need him to make shit right. well he must be pretty damn important, and much more important than us, because you seem to think we cant offer you anything other than a shoulder to cry on.
well we've had enough. time to move on already. we dont want to hear it. we let you force us to make decisions, and never forced your hand. but now we are and you better stop fucking around.

shut the fuck up. no one cares about this guy, and he doesnt care about you.

im listening to some random band, eating an apple and trying to find a tv show to watch.
..
seriously. tv sucks, i cannot find anything worth watching.
and wtf, there was this ad for true blood playing on youtube today (it started playing by itself..wtf) .. and that show looks fucking fucked. looks like some kind of porn shit.

and a friend of mine was creepishly .. ''obsessed'' with liking it.

okay so im thinking ill just pick.. curb your enthusiasm.

OH and i didnt do ANY school work today. seriously. tape some brains together and give them to me. i neeeeed them. haha.

there was just a huge KACKERLACKA in here. i swear. i hate living on the ground floor.

.. indian food tomorrow..?? good idea. bad idea. when the f.... will i study. no idea.