fuck it

shit.

so. so so so so i hate writing. i hate it. dammit. but if i dont start writing. .. somewhere, anywhere. then i might very well explode. brains everywhere.

.. what the hell. i am scared of the thought that i'd actually go to the psychologist. but i'm equally scared to not go.
..like. sometimes you just know you've made the right decision.
but maybe seeing a psychologist is something i need to try. just to be able to tell myself that i tried it.
.. i don't trust people.
i saw a counsellor and he was.. okay. i trusted him. told him what i had to.
but now i can't see him anymore.. he's not a real psychologist yet.

.. so now i'm just. fuck. seeing another woman? i feel like some women hate me. not my own sisters of course. maybe they 'hate' me because women don't like women.
they're taught to feel antagonistic towards each other. that's what my mum has always said. and my mother is.. not a very kind person.

in any case. i have stayed inside for the past 2 days. agoraphobia anyone?

.. i'm not scared to go outside. i just live in a really shit place.
my room is tiny. i share it with one other person. in fact. it's about the size of a jail cell. it's not a room at all.

.. my holidays weren't too bad. i saw the hives and my sisters a few times. i'm always miserable after seeing my sisters, i never want them to leave.

i'm constantly on my computer these days, even though i'm supposed to be studying for school.
i have so much to read for tomorrow but there's no chance i'm even going to touch it.

.. i slept most of today. sometimes i just don't see the point in doing anything, or getting the hell up.

.. i can't decide whether to go to this "friend" of mine's party on friday. 21 is a big deal here. it's like turning 20 in sweden.
.. but i don't know if i can be fake and.. deal with the strange feelings between me and the rest of the world.

.. i seriously have to clean this room. it is just.. plates of food everywhere, scarfs on the floor, colanders, books, receipts, filthy clothes. trash.
it's all rubbish.

every now and then i think of her. my ex best friend. fuck. friendship is .. i don't think i could ever end that sentence.

.. what can anyone expect.. friends from highschool can turn into superficial tv obsessed fashion freaks, right? who am i to complain?
..

i guess things will get better when we get paid. then i can have some protein. vegetarianism is hard on my energy levels.

.. friend of mine. i think she's tired of the texts. even though i barely ever text her. she probably thinks i'm just talking about myself.
.. fuck it. not having much money, not having much friends, not having much energy.
not having anything really reaaaally sucks.

.. if you've got something, then there's not that much to complain about.
but when you're living like this. everything can be complained about. almost everything, at least.

in any case. .. maybe i can find some decent music. start cleaning shit up. maybe that will make me feel better.
in what universe would cleaning make one feel better.

none?

.. i think i'll keep writing on this thing. hopefully no one will read this. and i can just stay anonymous. who am i kidding, no one cares!

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