lores blogg

ok so i just woke up. 1045. now i have to write a speech. on something i have absolutely no idea about. i have to get my ass out of bed and on to the street. get down to school. but fuck i have to ''shower'' and do all of this other mother fucking shit just so i can get there. the shower takes ages to adjust to the right temperature, the water goes everywhere, SHOWERING IS A NIGHTMARE. it takes so long. and i just reaaally want to go to school like this, pjs and all, hoping no one notices.

and breakfast. i cannot be bothered. finding all my shit to put together. not bothered man. itll take me about two hours to get dressed and ready today. i can tell.

just got a message from my little sister. if she wants to meet up then.. how will i write my speech?

and i had the most fucked up dream about .. aa. damn. but nothing ever happens. that much tells me i'm not interested in anyone else.

so i better run and .. oh damn. i need fucking.. waterproof speakers. i absolutely hate the showering process. i hate it i haaate this HOUSE!

nothing has really gotten better today.
got a bunch of shit from sweden.
listening to some shit music.

fuck it all.

.. and now you're going to leave. why.. you're going across the world away from me, all because you hate it here. i hate it here too but i have no choice at the moment. but you hate it, so much here, that it destroys you. you're physically sick here. every second you wish you were away from life here. so how can i ask you to stay? i try to explain what it's going to be like .. alone in an apartment. no family. no sisters. no friends. i will literally be alone. but it doesn't matter, because you want to leave.

so now i have to go out there and remake friends. i'm fucking 20 years old. in this estate-hell and. i don't know how to re do all of these things. learn to cook for myself, learn to lock the door, learn to socialise. just so i don't feel lonely. so many people do things out of loneliness. i just hope i don't end up in an alley somewhere wishing i'd just sacrificed my education for you.

and i just sit here while you pretend like you haven't already made the decision. ok, maybe you haven't. maybe you haven't, maybe you'll stay. but so what. you practically chose yourself over anything else. how can i blame you.

.. i'm so fucking sick at this moment. coughing, sneezing, cold. and no one can understand the complexity of this idiotic situation. and it wouldn't matter! no one's opinion can really make the situation better.

there's always going to be negative elements to places, to situations. but if you can't stand them, you've gotta go. i get it , you've gotta do what you've gotta do. but what happens when you turn around some day, as the wind brushes your shoulder and you think of me, in this concrete hell?
maybe the memories will seem so empty and meaningless, maybe this place has shadowed any real feeling. that's why you're leaving.

i'm angry at you right now. really angry. so angry. i might go running. could i? it's late. dangerous. who am i kidding, i can barely breathe. my asthma is terrible. this weak image really isn't me. at least, i hope not. i'm happy i'm not writing this on fucking blog spot. my emo shit belongs on an site like this.

.. what kind of advice can you give yourself in these situations? if this was two years ago, i'd run to the church and cry in a pew, just hoping hoping something would turn my way.
and it usually ended up the way it ended up. of course it did.

what the fuck does one do? turn to a teacher, hoping someone's going to care about a stranger, hoping someone knows you inside out, hoping someone can tell you what your ''heart'' (if that exists) is ''saying''.
that some inch of compassion would make a difference. like that can make you do seemingly impossible things.
i'm a believer in whatever, give me something and ill run with it. idealise whatever you present me with. try to make the best of it, whatever you want to throw at me. but this isn't the same.

the importance of family, knowing people. why would you want to live alone? without friends without family.. without anyone visiting, without anyone to call when things got tough.
it's not fair.

and yet this is what next year is looking like so far. it's easy for little kids in highschool. after highschool life runs away from you and its just a matter of taking hold of it and making something of it.

not everyone has parents that are nice. that love them. some parents abuse their kids, even when they're adults. sometimes they take their money, manipulate them. sometimes they have to move out. not everyone has it easy. and you go home to your expensive houses and pat yourself on the back, you're so fucking lucky, you tell yourself.

well for the rest of us, it's not that easy.

i don't even know what to say. maybe things will get better. maybe i can pull shit together, maybe i can make this place better, maybe we can fix this. maybe this is all going to fix, as soon as this tough period is over.
but even when things seem good, there's always the possibility that it will be bad. you can fight and fight and get no where. you can push on but end up with nothing. it's worth the try though.

the idea that nothing is certain can feel like a negative thing, but maybe it isn't. maybe you've just got to ..
who am i kidding.

this is all going to hell. let it fall. i guess. fuck the november offensive. it's all over.

i feel really, really sad right now.
i'm pratically crying. tears just fall from my eyes but i don't even notice.

what the hell am i going to do. i feel so, so terrible.

and and the anxiety! how can one feel so anxious just to leave the room, just to walk down the street. the estates. the faces of the fallen. do their faces reflect onto my own?
the air of failure rips through my facade and i can't even keep my head up.

fucking english. no one understands english. not even me.

we cant sit around simply watching things that make us sick.

so im sitting here on my bed. shoes on. listening to jazz. uploaded some shit photos on dv. feel sick as shit. can't believe i got through the fever and other crap i felt this morning. now i'm just kind of waiting for the sun to come out. but i guess it's too late for that. it's almost 3pm. not the best start to october.
happy it's almost summer here, rather than autumn. you can't even tell it's autumn here. in fact, there's only really winter and summer in australia.

i keep buying fruit loops .. it's terrible. surely that's not the healthiest breakfast.

i really don't like being left alone during the day. especially on a saturday. because if i don't do anything, that is.. study. then i'm going to feel guilty when my friend comes back. and i just sit there, in the seat i've sat in for the last few hours, and give this look like. i just couldn't.

well that's not going to happen today. i hope. i have to borrow a book anyway.

i went out to buy a tomato. yes, a tomato. there's this grocery store up the road a little. i went out wearing this australia shirt i bought for my friend, and this huge monki hoodie i don't like that much. and people were just staring at me. damn. i can't stand people that stare. i guess people need to keep this us and them idea pretty strong in their heads.

i kept thinking that i'd start a public blog. this summer. but it'd just be copying all the other ones anyway. (and they copy others, too) .. in the end they're all the same.

so what's the plan guys. i guess ill go and shower. put on a bra. HAHA and .. what . spend ages drying my hair. fuck no. i hate this idiotic thing. can't go outside looking like trash because when you do everyone wants to stare. HAVEN'T YOU EVER SEEN AN UGLY UNWASHED PERSON BEFORE?!
i guess not.

shit.

.. milka chocolate is so hard to bite!

wtf is with emocore premium? who would buy that?!

HEEEEJ

its sunday. im having toast, im having tea.. im going to make a kladd cake. YAAAAAAY

harriet the spy sucks.


(hate to say)