it's all fucked.

.. and now you're going to leave. why.. you're going across the world away from me, all because you hate it here. i hate it here too but i have no choice at the moment. but you hate it, so much here, that it destroys you. you're physically sick here. every second you wish you were away from life here. so how can i ask you to stay? i try to explain what it's going to be like .. alone in an apartment. no family. no sisters. no friends. i will literally be alone. but it doesn't matter, because you want to leave.

so now i have to go out there and remake friends. i'm fucking 20 years old. in this estate-hell and. i don't know how to re do all of these things. learn to cook for myself, learn to lock the door, learn to socialise. just so i don't feel lonely. so many people do things out of loneliness. i just hope i don't end up in an alley somewhere wishing i'd just sacrificed my education for you.

and i just sit here while you pretend like you haven't already made the decision. ok, maybe you haven't. maybe you haven't, maybe you'll stay. but so what. you practically chose yourself over anything else. how can i blame you.

.. i'm so fucking sick at this moment. coughing, sneezing, cold. and no one can understand the complexity of this idiotic situation. and it wouldn't matter! no one's opinion can really make the situation better.

there's always going to be negative elements to places, to situations. but if you can't stand them, you've gotta go. i get it , you've gotta do what you've gotta do. but what happens when you turn around some day, as the wind brushes your shoulder and you think of me, in this concrete hell?
maybe the memories will seem so empty and meaningless, maybe this place has shadowed any real feeling. that's why you're leaving.

i'm angry at you right now. really angry. so angry. i might go running. could i? it's late. dangerous. who am i kidding, i can barely breathe. my asthma is terrible. this weak image really isn't me. at least, i hope not. i'm happy i'm not writing this on fucking blog spot. my emo shit belongs on an site like this.

.. what kind of advice can you give yourself in these situations? if this was two years ago, i'd run to the church and cry in a pew, just hoping hoping something would turn my way.
and it usually ended up the way it ended up. of course it did.

what the fuck does one do? turn to a teacher, hoping someone's going to care about a stranger, hoping someone knows you inside out, hoping someone can tell you what your ''heart'' (if that exists) is ''saying''.
that some inch of compassion would make a difference. like that can make you do seemingly impossible things.
i'm a believer in whatever, give me something and ill run with it. idealise whatever you present me with. try to make the best of it, whatever you want to throw at me. but this isn't the same.

the importance of family, knowing people. why would you want to live alone? without friends without family.. without anyone visiting, without anyone to call when things got tough.
it's not fair.

and yet this is what next year is looking like so far. it's easy for little kids in highschool. after highschool life runs away from you and its just a matter of taking hold of it and making something of it.

not everyone has parents that are nice. that love them. some parents abuse their kids, even when they're adults. sometimes they take their money, manipulate them. sometimes they have to move out. not everyone has it easy. and you go home to your expensive houses and pat yourself on the back, you're so fucking lucky, you tell yourself.

well for the rest of us, it's not that easy.

i don't even know what to say. maybe things will get better. maybe i can pull shit together, maybe i can make this place better, maybe we can fix this. maybe this is all going to fix, as soon as this tough period is over.
but even when things seem good, there's always the possibility that it will be bad. you can fight and fight and get no where. you can push on but end up with nothing. it's worth the try though.

the idea that nothing is certain can feel like a negative thing, but maybe it isn't. maybe you've just got to ..
who am i kidding.

this is all going to hell. let it fall. i guess. fuck the november offensive. it's all over.