Inläggning väntas... fuck it, bring it on!

I don’t really care about anything anymore.
Like, if i would Think back 2-3 months, i would find myself either Crying myself to sleep of memories i thought i had buried the day they appeared. Or i would lay awake in silence. starring at the cracks in the ceiling. To afraid to sleep, in case i would have a nightmare. But now… It feels a bit like i’ve past the limit of how mutch misery a human can withstand. So all those feelings, all that pain, have now disappeared. Disappeared into a Deep cloud of nothingness. I ran out of happy things, good memories to Think about. Until only the bad was left. And i’ve been so alone, alone, alone, alone. Can’t tell my mom, cuse sadly i can’t stand her. mainly cuse i cant stand her new husband. And beacuse i cant understand how, after all the ways he treats her sometimes she still can “love” him. And i cant talk to my dad. Cuse i can’t stand to see the look of hopelessness in his Eyes, beacuse he has hes own worries. And beacuse hes happy. And i know that contradicts what im saying about feeling nothing. But i mean that for myself. I don’t care about myself anymore. This week I’ve stopped taking the pills that keeps my heart beating right. And i cant say i haven’t noticed it. shakes, Cold sweating, irregular heart beatings, vomiting, headaches and so on.

I tried to kill myself.

Think its almost 2 months or so now. Took a scissor and ran it through my chest. trying to cut my heart out. didn’t work i passed out. woke up the next morning on the floor, gasping for air. got down to the hospital. so they stitched it back together, and then i told my parent a lie that i was sleeping over at a friends house a few nights.

But yeah. I don’t really give a shit anymore. kinda hate myself cuse even tho i want to die now more then ever Before. i don’t have the courage to do it anymore. it fucking hurts like hell! and since it would appeare i can’t die by my own hand. i just don’t care. Its like if i Wake up tomorrow. Fine , Another day of feeling nothing. But if i by some chance wouldn’t. If i would say die. i dont care. doubt any of my family would. And even the people i call friends. they didn’t know me well enough and i didn’t know them enough.

But the worst part isn’t that. the worst part is that i still wants to Wake up the next morning. just to see if it might get better.

Hope isn’t a blessing given to the unlucky few.

it’s a fucking curse.