Psychodollys blogg

And end up having a middle of a night talk and discussion beween your alters.

Should do this more often.

I think I used the pov thing right this time xD

I caught myself do a woof. It is really weird cuz I am a cat. But I know why. I watched the tv show shrinked before a while ago. And ifkyk. It stuck with me apparently. Funny. It was when I tried to search for a song on spotify and misspelled it and it searched too soon. And I went woof. XD

When the thought of something excites you, but the reality of it terrifies and freaks a part of you out.

When your mind is in constant conflict.

When you dip your toes into reality and want to just fuck off back into the shadows where you came from.

Because it is essentially my mind that is starving
And it is my heart that is slowly dying.

Well I am soon to turn 34...4 days to go.. and I just come to think about that I am kinda glad I am a genY or millennial or echo boomer whatever you wanna call it. Cuz essentially I grew up to be able to think for myself and analyze. We texted in goddamn codes! Like for real though, it had a certain charm to text via sms until you felt like your fingers would fall off. That shit with the buttons hurt! And we didn't have chats?! Like you had to delete and pay for every message.. damn. I might be "old" but I learned not to take everything/anything for granted. An you had something that didn't work? Well you essentialy taught yourself by try to fix it. No matter what that was. There was no AI and stuff to help out. Like todays gen? I can't really imagine how it is for them. They kinda just always had netflix and endless chats and forums? Well I had to like go to a videostore to rent a casette! Lol. We might forget these stuff but that was my childhood and youth. The old slow internet and yeah..it's not that I miss it. It's just good to remember that we are a gen that have gone through a lot. And adapt to oldschool and the tech equally. Ppl can call us old but we are propbly gonna be the gen that just never gonna grow up really.

I have been alternative since I turned 12? It is a "phase" I still haven't grown out of. And by now it's just who I am. It is such a huge part of my identity and personality that I just can't imagine trying to fit in into mainstream society.

It is like I am still a rebellious teenager inside. But people are so boring that I feel frustrated and as if I am dying inside. That's just how slow this world is in a sense. For me. Slow minded basic people. But for me it is way too slow. But in other ways other things like adulting gets too much and just to fast. I am 34 soon and I am still not ready to have a job and stuff. That is what I am aiming towards to get ready for that aswell. But my work? It is with other parts of my life. And with myself. So people think I am lazy and slack off bc I am not working but that is so far from true. I just don't have an ordinary life in any way. I am lucky in many ways but ordinary? Normal? Basic? No.

I am on my weight loss and mental health journey. And to face and deal with and process all of my traumas.

I have come to a milestone as of today actually. I fit into my older dress that I have had as a goal to be able to fit into again. I have not been able to for many many years now. And it feels amazing! That is the biggest proof that you don't even have to go to the gym and have a super strict diet you can actually lose weight with smaller changes. And I fekt like it was going to be impossible and it felt hopeless.. but fuck! I don't know my current weight bc I haven't been able to measure myself in a while... but this was a better check than any number on a scale! I am on my way! And I am going to keep my promise to myself to get back my body that I used to have but this time I will fucking love it and take care of it and appreciate it. Because I have learned my lessons the hard way. So. Foe you out there who struggle too with weight and body image and self worth. Know that I feel you. You are the one to have to see and realise your selfworth though. And to be kind to yourself. No one can do the work for you.

I gained weight because of a lot of things one of them being mental health and medications for it. I essentially been a lab rat and I suffered more consequences than benefits from taking prescibed meds.

It is more to this. But know. We all have our own journeynand our own battles. So don't be so quick to judge. Not others and not yourself.

See instead how far you have come! And where you are in your own life. It is your story. You are the narrator. Want to change the plot? You have to be the one rewriting it.


And dare to be yourself and be different! It's not worth hiding. People will stare and judge no matter what you look like and no matter how you act. Just start by not giving a single fuck about their opinions and start putting in some effort and invest in yourself. Because in the end all you've got in life is yourself.

Don't fight it or try and supress it. Depending on what it is, allow yourself to act out on it. Do whatever impuls is there. What happend when you did it? How did it make you feel? Whatever it is, write it down in detail. Every. Single. Detail. For yourself.
What you feel and what you think and why. And what you essentially feel the urge to do about it.

Give yourself that permission to feel whatever it is that is inside you. Because that is how you take away it's effect and power over you when you face and acknowledge it. To actually be there for yourself and listen when no one else is. When they can't see or hear or understand any of it.

If you feel like you are losing your mind and going to explode well let it out. Scream. Find a safe outlet for yourself.
Even if it might be something like edge play. Set it up to be a safe space. Where you can breathe and face everything and act out for those thoughts.

The key is balance. To embrace it all. The void and the darkness and the emptiness and overwhelm and all of it.

And to let the light in.

The more you go about not fighting it. The more you'll lose interest in doing these thing to act out an intrusive thought.

It is when you no longer are able to feel or think or react or act out and to rebel and fight that it is worrysome.

Once you stop caring about things and go numb. That is what is dangerous. The apathy. The silence.

And the avoidance. Bc it is going to stay right there deep within you no matter how much you shut it up or avoid it.

It starts with you. To heal, you need to listen inwards not outwards. That is when you lose yourself. When you seek it all in others.

Be true to yourself. Be there for yourself. Fight for your own sake. Live for yourself. It is your life.

The road to be able to see and feel your selfworth isn't going to be easy. Life sucks. People=shit. But. Because of this you will have to go through it all.

There is no shortcut and exit. That exit? Is permanent for ending this life. But your soul is undying and it will be put back into life until you learn and evolve. So buckle up.
Because healing and dealing with stuff is a crazy rollercoaster. This until now? It's just been that bumpy ride.

It's okay. It's okay. It's okay. Whatever it is you are going through. It is time to rewire your nervous system. Reprogram your mind. Tune into and tap into your inner power.

Because no matter how dark things might seem, that escape isn't going to be the solution.

That is just to post-pone it all.

Use that anger, use that frustration and all of it to say fuck this. I am going to go from survival into thrival out of spite.

Wake up!

It's time to start living not just existing. To not just be in a survival mode but to find yourself and hone and respect and love and see and hear and listen to yourself.

Just start by saying ok. Whatever stuff is in your mind like a commentator for everything. Say okay, I hear you, I acknowledge that you feel this way. Right now I can't fix it all but I am going to try. And try and try again and fail and fall and get back up again.

You need to do this climb. Noone can save you but yourself. No one will help. That's how fucked up things are in this hell we live in.

You start to accept and embrace it? Damn. You start to think in a different way in terms of manifestations of what is going to be included in your new normal?

Trust me, the Universe will align and do it's magic. You don't have to believe in it. But whether you do or not we all have a soul mission and life purpose. It's time for you to align with what that is for you.

But you are not alone in all this.

Ask for help and you shall receive it. No need to even define who or what you ask. Just ask for help for your highest good. Wheather it is Lucifer or Bastet or your spirit guides or the Universe it is doing some hocus pocus stuff for your sake to help you for you to help yourself.

And maybe you are meant to stay in order to help someone else going through stuff. We are all connected, everything is. You just need to start to zoom out and see things from a different view.

Okaj well apparently this is the vibe right now.. XD


https://open.spotify.com/track/0u4wUscPtJUoMdlvCnaDMi?si=bCvuKQWoSf-_vFqqMOzQvw

The feeling when you get excited over finding a "new" song randomly but it turns out it is already a song you have on like all of your favourite playlists and just realise it was just you being you forgetting what the hell you are even been listening to cuz you have so much music and like right.. that was just me being me lol. Liking the exact same song agaun. Heh..you just switched and shuffled among your personas so much that you kikda forgot that we already had it as a fave song.. x_O well oops? Atleast it does feel as if it would be a new song lol xD