I love her.

I am today confessing my deed, myself. All the hopes I have are falling a part one by one. I don?t have anybody to share my feelings. Alone and lost. Like a sailor in the deep ocean without any compus, fighting everyday with the weather, the tides, the storms, who is sailing with the help of sun by the day and starts at night. My thesis is at stake, I am always afraid that my visa decision may come, I couldn?t be a good son, couldn?t be a good brother, couldn?t be a good lover. I didn?t find any job for me till now, I am trying a lot. And, the person I love with all of my existence gives me shit, though I made her the sun and the star of my life and I am trying to find the land with the help of it. Doesn?t matter, people only say about love, but those get washed away who believes in it. Most of the people say, there is no true love ?. after going through some bad relationships, but, unfortunately its not love, when somebody becomes a part more than your existence then we can say its a true love. Unfortunately I have loved and got washed away. I have been bullied, called a jerk a thousand times by the common friends but if you really love someone, you will compromise even your ego. So, I decided as long as I am near, I will do things at least to make her comfortable. Its not a scar, its a crack, ha ha ha. I am a jealous guy in this matter, I am not possessive but it hurts like anything when you see your loved one with others, doing the same what you have dreamt about ? and you are getting pushed further and further. It happened, once, happened twice ?. I dont know how many more I have to see. But I also decided, all or nothing, if I dont get a job and also success in my thesis, then there will be no more of me. She says, I am self-destructive, she thinks I am a jerk, full of arguments, illogical, ?. overall again a jerk, a freak, a weirdo. But unfortunately, I am lying cause I love her, I have become hypocryte cuz I love her, I have to shut my emotions cuz I love her, ?.. I have made my goal cuz I love her. I want to say all these things to her one day ?.. if I get a job here, if I can be on m I will by feet, thene on my knees to ask her to be my girl. I wish I could be better in expressing myself that how do I feel for her, one thing I can say is, we all love our lives and for a few person we can even sacrifice our lives, and she is one of them for whom I can sacrifice myself, even my existence. Anyway, this is not the thing right now, maybe I am really thinking too much, but this is me, if there will be nothing ?.. there will be no more me. People will forget, parents will be very hurt and sad, I hope they will forgive me, I am not too much religious but I believe in GOD, I pray if I have done something good please give those to my loved ones and give me all their sins, anyway I am going to hell. Now days I think I really lived in a fantasy world, I can't feel anything anymore, only a stabbing pain in the head, voices are screaming inside my ears, felling drunk without even drinking, cant think much, cant focus, cant do anything right. I know I have done a lot of mistakes, I did wrong to a lot of different people, I just hope that they will forgive me. Once I was like a monument infront of my own eyes, now I am smaller than an ant, I cant find any existence, may be my fantasy world and the real world collided. My own world in breaking down, I am breaking down. Feels like I am drowning deeper and deeper ? maybe it will become true. Can?t think anymore, needed to tell somebody ?. its ok. I just pray and hope that everyone in this world may be happy and live in peace, and true love will come back and people will understand that. Again i wrote a lot of nonsense things, maybe I am like this. GOD give peace to my soul. If I have the opportunity I will put flowers to my own grave and say, ''I loved you''. I don?t think that there is any afterlife, if there is, then see you over there. Lets see what happens, still I have some hopes, I want to live badly and I love her.