Jag hade en väldigt intressant dröm inatt. Eller, den var inte lika intressant som den var aningen skrämmande eftersom jag dog och fick se folk dö. Det värsta var nog dock att jag känner och litar på den som dödade mig i drömmen...
Till en början så var det väldigt normalt, rättare sagt så normalt det kan vara i drömmar, och jag var i något rum med folk som skejtade och Dr. Mallard (Ducky) från NCIS. Ducky var då en barberare och jag hade bestämt mig för att raka mig, det behövdes dock inte eftersom jag är och förblir kvinna även i mina drömmar. Jag hade dessutom ett antal finnar som jag oroade mig för.
Det var då det hände. Jag såg henne bakom ducky och oroade mig inte alls för att hon höll i en skalpell och log på ett mycket... jag vet inte hur jag ska uttrycka hur hon log, men det verkade inte båda gott. Jag litade på att ducky skulle skydda mig, så som han gjort under ett flertal andra tillfällen som jag kom ihåg i drömmen. Men hon bara log och drog skalpellen längs hans hals och hans ögon rullade uppåt medans huvudet föll bakåt och han skänk ned till golvet, needless to say så blev jag väldigt orolig då. Väldigt, väldigt mycket faktiskt. Sedan så log hon mot mig och sa något om att han inte skulle kunna skydda mig, jag lyssnade inte särskilt noga vilket jag tror berodde på omständigheterna. Drömmen kändes väldigt verklig faktiskt, det gör inte det hela bättre heller. Sedan högg hon mot mig, samma leende på hennes läppar, och jag försökte skydda mig med min arm. Den började blöda, inte lika mycket som senare skärsår skulle göra men det gjorde ont. Jag kommer inte ihåg om jag började gråta eller inte men jag tror att jag frågade henne varför hon gjorde det. Hon svarade att det var hennes jobb, vilket var väldigt konstigt eftersom jag alltid har sett henne som en lärare.
Nästa gång hon högg han jag inte skydda mig, det gick så snabbt. Hon högg mig i låret, precis ovanför knät. Det gjorde inte ont. Jag såg bara att köttet i mitt ben gick isär. Det såg inte lika djupt ut till en början, hon hade ju bara snuddat mig med skalpellen, men allt eftersom jag tittade på det så såg jag att köttet delade på sig mer och tillslut kunde jag se mitt ben, från lite ovanför knät och nedåt, ligga på marken. Såret gjorde inte ont, det kändes ungefär som när benet somnar och du inte kan känna det, endorfiner gissar jag på, men jag kunde känna en sak. Jag kunde känna hur blodet rann ut ur mig. Kunde känna rädslan för att dö. Drömmen var vid det här laget fortfarande väldigt realistisk tyckte jag och under tiden som jag såg på benet, henne, hennes leende och kände döden komma närmare tänkte jag bara på en sak. "Vad kommer hända när jag dör? Kommer kristendomen vara verklig, eller kommer jag att reikarneras?"
Sedan så vaknade jag. Jag gissar att när jag dog i drömvärlden så vaknade jag i verkligheten, men det som förundrar mig mest är väl att jag trodde att jag hade kommit över kristendomen. Att jag inte fruktade den längre, men det är svårt antar jag. Svårt att glömma och sluta tro på något du ägnat över halva ditt liv med att komma ihåg och tro på, försöka glömma det som jag alltid får höra hemma varje dag. "Jag ber för dig." hör jag mamma säga ibland "Mormor och resten utav släkten ber också."
Jag vill inte höra det. Jag vill inte påminnas om skräcken jag kände när jag var yngre och trodde att domedagen skulle komma imorgon och att hela min familj skulle till himmelen utom jag eftersom jag på något vis hade syndat. Jag glömma bort den tiden, fördriva den ur mitt sinne. Men det verkar inte går bra.
Jag försöker att glömma den, försöker att låtsas som att jag aldrig har känt den, men den finns där. Rädslan för det jag inte förstår. Rädslan för livet, rädslan för döden och rädslan över att något kommer hända mig om jag slappnar av ens för en stund.
Detta är varför jag inte gillar att sova när det är för mörkt ute, jag känner på mig att något ska hända även när jag vet att det inte kommer att göra det.
VAFAAAAN! T____T såg precis sista episoden. Final shit, ya know T_T
Det hade inget med mangan att göra. NADA! Och eftersom det var final och allt så trodde jag att de äntligen skulle säga något i stil med "I LOVE YOU KAZAMA!" och "I LOVE YOU TOO, SUMI-CHAN!" och sedan kanske omfamna varandra och/eller kyssas.
Men NEHÄ-DÅ! Skulle de tydligen inte alls göra! DE FICK INTE ENS SE VARANDRA I I AVSNITTET, FÖR I HELVETE! ALLT HANDLADE OM NÅGOT JAEFVLA TELEFON SAMTAL OCH ALLT SKULLE GÅ ÅT SKOGEN MED DEN JÄVLA TELEFONEN X_O
RAWR RAWR RAWR PÅ DET SÄGER JAG BARA!
Jag är för övrigt uppe sent, är trött, har mens och är allmänt "HUG ME! I'M FUCKING LONELY HERE! HUG ME, RANDOM AWESOME WOMAN!" ._.
Once upon a time there was a young woman. This woman, you see, was very special. In fact, she was so special that no one could really understand why she was so special.
It begins earlier, though, several years earlier to be precise.
Every child in the whole country got to hear when they grew up "You're special, you can do whatever you want to do. Be whoever you want to be!" but of course the children knew that their parents said that to them and that their friends parents said the same thing to them. These children also figured out that two people couldn't choose to be the same thing, for having two presidents would just be problematic... However, there was a girl that didn't really talk to the other children in school and in the town where she lived. So she never had any real friends, but also she didn't have anyone telling her that what her parents taught her was just a big lie, so she believed in her parents and thought that she was special.
That was until she began 7th grade and a teacher told her that "No one really is special, every parent tells their child that kind of lies.." It almost destroyed her world, but we'll get back to it.
The girl grew up and was soon 10 years old. The girls her age played with dolls and secretly borrowed their mothers dresses to play adults. The girl just looked at them in a glance and then returned to trying to draw a bird she saw earlier, she didn't want to grow up. Her will with her life, her special and unique way of living, was simply to not grow up. She had decided when she was 8 years old that she would stop growing at 12, and since her parents had said that anything was possible she thought she could stop her growing. She tried hard and she tried for a long time, but eventually her 13th birthday came and passed. Needless to say, she was very dissapointed.
Later that year she started 7th grade, and according to her, her teacher was perfect. Her teacher was the fairest woman in the whole country, while she was also very understanding and kind. It was really amazing that she still wasn't married to anyone, but it could have to do with her age. The girls teacher was very young, you see, around 24 years old only. Nothing like the old hag that was the little girls' teacher last year. the girl came to love this teacher very much and used to discuss things with her during breaks, they discussed things like how school was for the girl and how things at home were.
Once, when the weather was bright and all the other girls and boys were outside playing with marbles and jumping ropes, the girl and the teacher discussed life in general and then they suddenly began talking about ages. The girl said that "I won't grow up, because I've decided on it. I will never age after I turn 14."
"And how can that be?" Her teacher wondered, she wanted to have the secret to herself so that she was always young, kind and understanding.
"You see, my parents always told me that I'm special, that I can do anything I want, right? That means, if I set my mind to it I won't age any more." The girl answered with a proud smile.
The teacher just looked at her with a blank stare, her lips uttering those faithful words that almost crashed the little innocent girl's world. It didn't show up on the girl, but she was devastated, but to the outer world she continued to smile.
During the coming years, the girl closed herself from the outer world. All kind words from people who said they were her friends was just empty and she didn't hear them. All the scolding she received from her parents didn't so anything, she didn't notice it. The only thing she did was to read and occasionally eat and drink something. She read mostly books about great wizards and beautiful princes who saved the princess and got half of the kingdom as a present from the king. It angered her that it was always the the prince who received everything, just because he could answer a simple riddle. The little girl had never known anger before, so she didn't know what it was. She called the new feeling 'Poopy', since it was the darkest word she could think of. But with this new feeling she began to write, she wrote something than no one had written before. She wrote a book where not only the prince died and the wizard turned out to be the monster, the princess was killed in a very brutal way.
The book she had written hit the market and everyone in her little village bought one, it was a joy that one of their kind made it into a bookstore as an author. But the joy quickly died as first the prince was killed by the wizard, while the wizard cackled and laughed like a little schoolboy killing his first frog. When they later read about how the princess was killed, it was the mouse that made the boat sink. There was a riot and the girl was proclaimed to be evil and insane, everyone burned their books and stormed the girl's house, only to find it empty. The girl, who was actually a young woman by now, had foreseen this and fled the country. She ran and ran until she couldn't run, but then she ran a little more and came to a cottage by a small lake. Inside that house everything was neatly cleaned and there was no spot of dust or cobwebs anywhere, so she decided that maybe she should go away.
That was when she heard the sound of someone walking down some stairs, somewhere in the cottage (it was a very big cottage, but not too big.) This made her slightly scared, since she did enter the house at night without giving any warning to the people inside first, it was very rude and she knew it. At first, she thought of hiding in a cupboard she saw, but it would never fit the girl. She then changed her eye to the table, what if she hid under there? It would never work. After that she couldn't think any more since the door was wide open and revealed a woman that looked a couple of years older then the girl, but she was holding a gun that was pointed towards the girl.
"Who are you?" she asked in a hard voice, void of all emotions except for annoyance.
the girl shivered and tried to look innocent. "I have been running for a very long time, mrs... and I then found this house and couldn't help but to peek inside." she then said with her sweetest voice.
the woman didnt' lower her gun, and her eyes didn't change. "I still don't know who you are, so I ask you again..." the gun made a clicking sound "... Just WHO, in the hell, are you?"
Seeing as the woman was serious, the girl stopped trying to look sweet. Her real face showing for the first time in years, but this time it was not smiling. "I'm just a lone wanderer, searching for a place to stay the night." she said instead.
The woman didn't believe her, it seemed, since the gun stayed pointed at her as always. The woman did, however, take a step closer. "A wanderer would have knocked, and your clothes says different then your mouth." her mouth made a dry smile without any happiness. Like the girls but not at all the same.
"Fine, you want me to tell you?" the girl finally snapped, pointing a finger at herself. "I am the author of 'And they were never seen again'. That book, you know. The one that everyone hates. I wrote it. So now I'm running away to where noone have heard of it." she said.
Imagine her surprise when the gun was lowered and the womans eyes sparkled a bit. "I thought the author was a male." she said.
"You thought wrong." said the girl. To which the woman smiled and sighed. "Now let's get you to bed." the woman said and took hold of the girls wrist. "You need to sleep, and after that I am going to have a serious talk to you."
