Hur skulle man orka med morgonen utan twitter <3

"Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, "To my sandwich!"

"Whenever someone says they did something "like a boss" I assume that means they didn't do it at all and are taking credit for it"

"when i tell the fat customers "sorry about the wait" what i really mean is "sorry about the weight" and giggle inside"

"I'm smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven't spilled 1 drop of my beer. I'm the best driver ever."

"If u give up smoking, drinking, and sex.....u don't live longer. It just SEEMS longer."

"I am aware that smoking will kill me, please explain to me again how you'll live forever"

"I just had an emotion. Hunger is an emotion, right?"