sooo hard!

that's what he said... no but it's just so difficult!

I find it hard enough knowing who I am to myself internet is not making it easier. I want to show as much of me as possible so I can connect to similar souls and all that but no.

profile picture, presentation! wow let's not even ...! Hi this is my name and this is my life story. um no.
sigh

it's hard and it's hard cause I see other people and ofc maybe they all have the same problem maybe some do some don't maybe it's just me I don't know but really seeing how others know and tell the world about themselves and they sound so cool.

am I a dork for saying I wanna be cool? probably yeah but being a dork is not so bad I'm probably to active in sports and fighting that I can't even be considered a dork, I'm a fucking MMA fighting, Jujitsu preforming, Submission wrestling bad-ass.

AND I TALK! holy fuck let me just tell you if you say what's up I tell you about my day, ask what kind of music I like and you get a fucking science project in music and philosophical thoughts about the subject. it's like I am afraid I guess of being misunderstood or judged I can't just say I do this I feel like that I like that music because truth to be told I'm probably doing what I'm doing because of something, what I feel can be a total mix of everything between heaven and earth and honestly I am pretty open minded so I can see good in various different songs and genres.

speaking of open minded (see here I go again...)
I know some people, my past self included, who used to be like "damn that girl she has no will of her own if I say I like this she like it too and if I say I don't like it anymore she doesn't either" I'm guessing at least some of you know what kind of person I'm referring to and when I was going to write this I was actually going to say that being open minded is not the same as being that person but I changed my mind, maybe it is you know, without knowing the whole story you can't really tell I guess.
But I do feel it's a good thing if you explain yourself, to me that is what feels right if I change my opinion it's probably cause something convinced me to do so and if I have like "good" bases for that change well then fine?

ah... this is starting to sound a lot like the intro to my philosophy book maybe I'm just thinking too much
people used to tell me that like a lot... you think too much, can you even do that? is it not good to think? well actually you can over think things but also ...///

I'm just gonna stop there cause my head is so full of thoughts supporting multiple sides of multiple arguments / statements so I probably won't get anywhere and I might not make sense as I try to write it down

thanks for reading if you did

if not then you're not even reading this so no thank you for you! ah but you won't know you didn't get a thank you well you didn't! but for you who is still here thank you I wonder if anyone will be reading this if I said monkey randomly would you monkey notice? hm...

I feel... I feel.... I feel....
- Fantastic?