Do you know what i hate?

Myself..
I hate how fake i am, i hate how i cant do what i what, and i hate knowing i have lost everything.
Its so hard to pretend like you feel nothing.. pretend that the guy you love the most is nothing and owes me nothing..
If only i could hold him one more time knowing he was mine.. feel his lips on mine and have him in my bed and sleeping in his arms..
Its never gunna happen again, and i dont know how much more i can take it.. No guy will ever match to him.. He has my heart.. and there is no turning back..
What am i supposed to do.. when i cant do anything to make him happy... all i wanted was for him to be happy,,,
What happens when he finds someone else.. someone better.. i never thought this time would ever come for us.. I still have the will to fight to bring him back.. as a friend.. i pretend my feelings arent there to have him in my life...
But i know he will never see me as a real friend i know he wont want to talk to me..
Its all me,,, wanting so much, so much that i know i will never get..
All i can do is pretend my feelings dont exsist.. and try not to care.. but god its hard.. and its so hard to be without the one who i would be willing to do everything for.. i dont know anymore...

Noone has to read this i just need to let it out bc its hard for me, and i know he doesnt have an account here..