What can I say, I'm fucked up. But we knew that already

Not being able to sleep is not unusual in my life. It's rather normal actually. I usually don't think about it much, I pick up a book, read it, finish it and pick another one up.
But tonight is different, I want to sleep.
I want to sleep and wake up in the morning when the alarm goes of. Eat breakfast and get ready for school, I want to be strong enough to get through an entire day without relapses, without medication or anxiety attacks.
That's something I want. no. I need. I need to get through a day without feeling worthless or wanting to relapse or worse, kill myself. Ugh. And I need to sleep an entire night without waking up.

As I see the watch ticking by I get more depressed about not being able to fall asleep because I'm afraid of my nightmares. I'm afraid of even trying to fall asleep.
So, instead i'm watching my clock ticking, watching seconds turn into minutes and minutes turn into hours. Realizing that I'll probably won't go to school tomorrow because I'll feel as crap. And then I'll feel anxiety taking over because I know that my grades will drop due to low attendance.

Ugh. I really just want to sleep and not having to deal with the people in my head.